Book Review - Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection
Book by Ximena Vengoechea; Penguin Random House press
Every time you interact with a web page or phone app, you’re the benefactor (or occasionally the victim) of a discipline called UX, or User Experience design. Defined broadly, as coined by an Apple executive in the 1990s, User Experience relates to the entire experience that a user has with a company, from their website to a storefront to ads and product packaging.
How many of us have tried to use a device that was clearly designed by someone who didn't have to actually use it? (My favorite example is the shower you cannot turn on unless you are already under it, so there's no way to avoid the initial blast of cold). For good UX, a designer needs to talk with potential users – or more importantly, listen to them.
UX designers must be skilled interviewers, picking up on both verbal and non-verbal cues to decipher what a test user really thinks. Many obstacles prevent clarity in this process, including rushed or biased interviewers or test subjects who have a tendency to say what they think you want to hear. Eliciting honesty requires empathy, sensitivity, and extremely good listening skills. Fortunately, all of this can be learned and practiced. Being a skillful listener can improve your communication with almost anyone -- colleagues, friends, children, strangers -- with whom you hope to create real connection. One of the best ways to influence the people you lead is to first have them share their thoughts with you more freely.
The author, Ximena Vengoechea, has worked in Silicon Valley for over a decade, including stints at Pinterest, Twitter, and LinkedIn. An experienced writer, illustrator, and manager, in this book she translates her considerable knowledge into a series of cheerful and informal yet very serious chapters discussing specific issues in communication through the lens of listening skillfully. She addresses the rhythms of good conversation from the start by dividing the book into three sections: Set the Stage, Navigate the Conversation, and Rest and Recharge. Within each section she tells stories from her experiences in the world of qualitative research along with humorous illustrations to further deepen her points about how to develop the skill of listening and the verifiable benefits of real connection. The exercises are deliberately silly at times. This serves to lighten the cognitive load while providing relatable examples of conversational stumbling blocks. Here’s one from the very first exercise:
A partner is excited about a personal project. Do you:
Tell them about a project you are excited about
Start thinking about dinner
Get excited with them
Reaffirm they picked the right project
After a few more such questions, she reveals that if you answered with all Cs you can skip to Chapter 10, about having difficult conversations. If some As, Bs, and Cs appeared, then you might want to check out chapters such as Cultivate a Listening Mindset, Observe as You Listen, Clarify Your Role, and Deepen the Conversation. Of particular importance to leaders and managers is her advice on Confirming Your Comprehension and Guiding the Conversation. After her discussion of Difficult Conversations, she grounds and reassures her readers with solid techniques for recovery and next steps.
She includes notes for each chapter, and a thorough index makes it easy to dip in and out of the text to explore nuances that interest you.
Vengoechea helps us see our own conversational gambits and behaviors with more insight into how they could be received by our listeners. She sheds light on some common and easily fixable mistakes, and takes us deep into the roots of disconnection and how to address it. Since reading Listen Like You Mean It, I find myself recalling her advice often. I have noticed that I am giving my conversational partners more space and myself more grace, and I can see myself returning to this text often for boosters of her compassionate, positive voice.